Am I Happy or Scared?

I spoke to the transplant center this morning after having my labs drawn on Monday.  My MELD is still elevated.  So as of now, I am #2 on the B blood list.  The person at #1 is a liver/kidney dual transplant.  I will find out tomorrow if I continue to stay in South Dakota, or head to Wisconsin to wait and prep for transplant so when the call comes saying they have an organ, I will be ready to go.

It is good news, in that I will be getting a new liver so that maybe I can feel better after recovery.  On the other hand, someone has to die for me to live.  And I have to live with their spare parts in me.  How do I really feel about that?  I've kind of been grappling with it all day, and it's brought me to tears a couple times.  Then I feel positive that I won't have to feel lousy like today forever.  All while I've been trying to clean, sort, and pack to move.  I can only do so much before needing to rest again.  I hope I sleep tonight, and don't lay awake thinking.  I hate that.

So, until tomorrow after the transplant committee meets and I get my answer, I will pack a few more boxes.  Yuck.